I have always believed, despite all of the admonitions about not being a sore loser, that being a sore winner is usually more of a threat to someone’s spiritual and emotional health. At least for me, that’s always been the case. So, in light of Friday morning’s big development from the United States Supreme Court, I wanted to confess something that I have struggled with over the weekend, even though I am still overjoyed at the outcome.
I work with marketing technology for a living. (I will get into that aspect of things a bit later.) I generally make it a point to focus on work at work and home at home, but Friday morning was an exception to that self-imposed rule. I kept waiting for the various news alert e-mails to which I subscribe for both professional and personal use. Given the outcome of the 2013 marriage case, I expected a victory. Yet, when I saw that magical headline, it still blew me away. So, I texted my dear partner with whom I have shared my life in a committed relationship for five years and wrote in all caps, “WE WON!”
I tried my best to be productive the rest of the day, but honestly it was difficult to keep from staring off into space to ponder the magnitude of the momentous development and all of its implications, both real and symbolic. As I was leaving the office, I called my significant other at home, and we agreed that I would stop and get some beer at Kroger to celebrate. I somehow managed to drive right past the supermarket and toward our condo complex parking lot. Then, I realized my oversight and made my way to the over-priced convenience store nearby to avoid taking a left to get back onto Nolensville Road in rush-hour Nashville traffic.
Like many of Americans of all political stripes, we spent more time than we should that evening looking at our Facebook feeds. I posted several news items and affirming messages in celebration of marriage equality. When the many straight allies in my circle of friends and family clicked like or posted a comment or changed their profile picture to a rainbow flag or a red equals sign, my heart warmed. However, the flip side, for which I am a bit ashamed, is that I spent a little too much time wondering about the people in my life who didn’t click, comment, post, tag, or paint their Facebook feed with rainbows. They must not really love me as much as the other folks, right?
Okay, that’s a horrible, horrible way of thinking! I countered those thoughts with logic and reason. Yet, I think part of the challenge is that, in my particular job, I focus a great deal on metrics along the lines of e-mail opens; clicks; undeliverables; unsubscribes; and SPAM complaints, Web site page views, and drip campaign conversions of prospects becoming customers. I never set out to work in the tech area, but I loved the book business, and the greatest needs my employer had of me started to involve the electronic realm, and I had grown fond of the whole shelter, food, and clothing habit the older I got. As new gadgets came along, it’s not that I was a computer nerd by any stretch of the imagination, but I became acquainted with them because that’s where things were headed.
So, by early Saturday morning, I had conditioned myself like Pavlov’s dogs that I remember first learning about in psychology 101. Those pro-gay reactions were giving me such a rush. I was very grateful to everyone, and I remain so a day later. Yet, I must confess that instead of humble gratitude, I fell into the habit of craving “more, more, more!” as Billy Idol sang about in the eighties rock anthem “Rebel Yell.” (I have to add Gen X pop culture references when I can.) When I would allow myself to peek at the Facebook timelines of friends who I knew feel differently on marriage equality, I momentarily even let myself fall into the trap of red-hot anger. And, somehow, a part of me got almost as angry at the allies who weren’t patting me on the back. They must really not be all that proud and supportive after all.
I do not like the part of myself that felt those feelings (however briefly), and I summoned up the confidence to be more balanced about the whole thing. I stepped out of myself, at my partner’s suggestion, and went to hear him perform with a group from our church at an area nursing home. (They do that once a month, and I don’t tag along as often as I should.) As I listened and watched the performance and thought more broadly about love and relationships, I realized that we were not in attendance at the Nashville Pride Festival that day. Could some of our fellow glbt community members interpret this as a slap in the face against our brothers and sisters? Maybe that could be viewed as not loving our own enough.
For several years, I attended Nashville Pride, the AIDS Walk, and similar events as part of gay religious and political groups with which I have been involved. My partner has been part of a wonderful glbt and allies musical group in the past, but he had to take a break because of his schedule. We attend some glbt events and activities and are even meeting a dear friend of ours at one of the gay bars tonight. There is some wonderful work going on in the gay community of Nashville, and there are so many kind and decent people. (There are also a few shallow and superficial ones that we have grown better at ignoring; that’s true with any setting though.) Yet, when we became a couple, we agreed that we had more to offer and would be happier in the broader “middle” where we could build bridges by being ourselves and forming connections with people. We are okay with those many situations when we are the only (openly at least) gay couple in the room, though it’s also great to check in with our tribe from time to time.
So, like Sheriff Andy Taylor in one of the black and white “Andy Griffith Show” episodes, I admitted to myself that I deserved to dine on crow while the rest of friends and family were eating something more appetizing. Upon helpful reflection, I realize that we are all just trying to make our way on the journey as best we can. Not all straight people or gay people can relate to where I find myself. I am one of those hopeless moderates, which can have the effect of simultaneously pissing off both sides at times. I don’t have all the answers and need to remind myself of that. I am not always the most touchy-feely kind of guy as far as hugs and such, but ultimately, it should be about love and respect for others. So, maybe I can just relax and breathe deeply when I find myself looking for a validation electronically.
Well, thanks to you for reading this confessional. I am grateful when folks support me, but it’s important to not make that pat on the back into an addictive drug. And, as far as others, I need to do my best to refrain from judging. Granted, I may not be there yet when it comes to Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz. Yet, I can try at least. Love Wins!
(This little housekeeping matter: Those of you who leave comments may have issues. I am going to get this checked out when I have a chance. In the meantime, visit the Contact Me page if you need to reach me. )
Coloring Outside the Lines 