The “Gay Thing” – Page 2 – Coloring Outside the Lines

Wishing a Merry Christmas–Kinda Sorta–to the Folks Chomping at the Bit to Discriminate Against Me

Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, a recent candidate for the Republican presidential nomination and co-sponsor of the First Amendment Defense Act

In the weeks that followed the bitterly contested presidential election last month, I contemplated weighing in via a blog post, but somehow it seemed that maybe too much had been said already. Maybe I was too overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all to unpack what I was thinking and feeling.

Yet, as I readied myself for the Christmas season, an article on my news feed grabbed my attention. Senators Ted Cruz of Texas and Senator Mike Lee of Utah–emboldened by the gains of their party–are reintroducing the “First Amendment Defense Act.”

This is a nationalized version of a trend that has taken hold at the state level and has generated a series of boycotts, and counter-boycotts. The introductory paragraph of the bill actually comes across rather broadly, “Prohibits the federal government from taking discriminatory action against a person on the basis that such person believes or acts in accordance with a religious belief or moral conviction that: (1) marriage is or should be recognized as the union of one man and one woman, or (2) sexual relations are properly reserved to such a marriage”. Yet, generally, the warm and fuzzy spin put forth involves well-meaning kind but firm Christian bakers who catch heat from civil-rights entities when they refuse to make a cake for a same-sex wedding.

Even though as a gay Christian I have embraced a different kind of faith experience than these individuals, I am not entirely unsympathetic to their plight. Granted, I wish they would broaden their horizons and check out the resources out there exploring where gay believers are coming from, but I understand that rather wide segment of folks–especially in the Bible Belt–live by a more Fundamentalist take on Scripture. So, being asked to script the names of two grooms or two brides in icing does probably upset the apple cart for at least some of them.

Also, as I have discussed earlier, my husband and I are pretty middle-of-the road gays who actually spend most of our time in majority-straight social settings and are reasonably comfortable in our own skin. There are aspects of our lives that are pretty traditional, and we don’t always fit nice and neat labels in the kind of scene that interests us.

Recently, we took an early winter getaway to a lovely tourist community in the mountains of Georgia. We could tell by the number of mom and pop businesses with Jesus fish in the signage that there were some rather strong Evangelical pockets, and the vibe was conservative. In fact, I was curious about how this county voted, so I Googled their election results, and sure enough Trump received 84% of the ballots that were cast.

Yet, we were treated with the utmost measure of hospitality and warmth every place we went. The motel clerks were delightful and didn’t care about our sleeping arrangements. Every single shop, restaurant, and attraction rolled out the red carpet for us. (I am not getting into the specifics of where and what, as I fear the travel guide shout-outs would distract from the issue at hand, but suffice to say, it was all good.)

So, I don’t necessarily view the landscape as there being a war against gay customers on the part of small businesses in the rural South and Heartland. For the most part, I believe that the power of the marketplace and the value of consumer purchasing power often keeps things in check, especially given the growing importance of the tourism and travel segment of the economy throughout the country.

However, in the words of Pee Wee Herman, there is a “big but” here. My but is that I realize there are some people in this world who would choose to be unwelcoming even when it flies in the face of their economic self-interest. Back to the proposed legislation at hand, the supporters may be fixated on the whole cake thing, but to me, it seems pretty clear that the language allows folks to get a pass on discriminating against gay people in pretty much any transaction as long as the motivation can be deemed as religious.

Do I sound alarmist? Well, maybe my views are shaped by what my parents taught me. My late father was a school principal in rural Western Kentucky. In the early 1960’s, racial segregation and integration operated in a bizarre patchwork throughout the Bluegrass State. When my dad was traveling with the very recently integrated sports teams as a chaperone, some eateries would allow all of his students to come in and be seated for a meal, and others would not.

My dad wasn’t trying to make things racial or political, He just wanted to make sure that his school kids could get fed. Thanks to the United States Congress and LBJ–an imperfect leader but still a saint of history from how I see things–segregated public accommodations became illegal. Granted, I don’t think this meant that everything suddenly became hunky-dory as far as race relations, but it was a huge improvement.

I wasn’t alive when all this was happening, but I came along just a few years later. While my political engagement is indeed rather moderate, social justice is a value to which I try to hold dear. I don’t want to make the assertion that the experiences of blacks and gays are exactly the same; that would be arrogant of me to do so. Yet, I do think that there are some parallels in that in both cases we are told that there is a “right” not to accommodate a particular segment of the public in business.

I don’t claim to be a perfect Christian or to have all the answers on moral or spiritual matters. Yet, isn’t hospitality–the search for a room at the inn–at the heart of the Christmas story itself? That’s not to say that there aren’t going to be some rough patches with this concept about which we may not always agree, Yet, is it Christ-like to enshrine a license to discriminate against a particular group?

So, I know that as a Christian I am supposed to love all of humanity. I don’t think that has to mean Hallmark card syrupy sweetness though. Honestly, there is a part of me that would really love to place lumps of coal in the stockings of Cruz and his ilk this holiday season. Yet, to borrow a phrase from the recent political season, I am resolved to try to go high when they go low.

So, I wish the anti-gay crowd a kinda-sorta Merry Christmas. I think this country is in for a rough few years on this and other fronts, but I am grateful to have love and joy in my life, and no one can take that away.

Thoughts on Stonewall and Orlando From a Moderate Gay Guy

Sometimes developments just seem too overwhelming for me to process all at once. Today marks the first anniversary of the momentous Supreme Court decision granting marriage equality to same-sex couples. And, in a related development, July 5th will mark my own first wedding anniversary. President Obama also recently announced that New York’s Stonewall Inn will be designated as a historic monument for its role in the struggle for gay rights. Yet, just two weeks ago, a terrorist–perhaps motivated by both a militant strand of Islam AND internalized self-loathing homophobia– murdered 49 people in a Orlando gay nightclub.

As I have acknowledged in previous posts related to gay issues, I am open about who I am in all facets of my life. I am not necessarily a parade marcher per se, though I understand the value of parades and have logged my time working at Pride booths in the past. For my spouse and me, it just seems that we can accomplish more in the wider middle with supportive friends and family than inside the GLBT community specifically.

I understand the role that gay bars have played in the history of the community and still play for many today. My spouse and I average about two or three visits to a gay club each year, generally to meet friends for a particular activity or function. It’s not that we don’t have fun; it’s just not our daily element. Yet, I know that part of why I can have that choice as a gay man living mostly in a mostly straight scene is that so many brave folks have paved the way through the years.

I truly believe that it takes all of us to make the world go around. In some of my past political involvement a decade or so ago, I got to know a very brave and savvy Democratic Party operative in Nashville who during the 1990’s had worked in the federal government dealing with HIV/AIDS issues. He told me that, during that time, groups such as ACT UP and Queer Nation performed an invaluable service in that they created the public stir in the streets that pushed the more centrist elements inside the Clinton White House to take action.

So, how do I unpack all of this? I am a gay man who lives a pretty fulfilling out life, has a wonderful marriage with a terrific husband, goes to work at a decent job in a supportive workplace, owns a happy little condo in a pretty generic white picket fence neighborhood, goes to a church that is welcoming without necessarily flying the rainbow flag every Sunday, and has terrific friends and family. All good, right?

Well, it’s not that simple. First, let me state for the record that I am incredibly blessed. I am so grateful for the litany that I just recited. I know that there are so many GLBT individuals of all ages who face hostile circumstances in all facets of their lives. And, if you feel burdened to try to help these folks, I suggest you find a worthy charity like Trevor Project for instance. When well-wishers gave us money to celebrate our wedding, we made a contribution to Trevor and felt rather blessed by doing so.

However, I must confess that, even when things look idyllic on the outside, there can be an ongoing internal monologue still happening. In my case, OCD symptoms can make it even worse, but that’s another possible blog topic. I am not saying that it rises to the level of me personally needing anyone’s sympathy or concern. Yet, after Orlando, I just figure that it needs to be a part of the discussion. Otherwise, I fear that the issues will get side-tracked or become co-opted by some voices out there that really don’t know what they’re talking about.

PDA’s–Okay or Not Okay?
When my spouse and I are at the movies, there’s always the question of whether one of us gently but confidently reaching out to hold the other’s hand or putting an arm around the other’s shoulder might possibly cause a scene. In what part of town are we? What kind of movie are we watching? Does this look like the kind of audience where it’s okay to take that risk?

What about restaurants, hotel lobbies, cruise ships, or airplanes? It’s the same deal; we spend a fair amount of time trying to second-guess our surroundings. It’s not that we want to be in-your-face about anything, and we are not trying to prove anything to anyone. Rather, it is healthy and fulfilling to feel comfortable in one’s own skin. I do think that it’s getting much better than it used to be, but the fact that I feel so compelled to share my feelings about all of this means that there are still issues.

When to Reveal What?
Marriage equality has given us something tangible that has been worthy of celebrating. Yet, there can still be those little momentary mild anxiety-provoking moments. When we are filling out paperwork in various settings like the doctor’s office and such and have to clarify that “spouse” actually means husband rather than wife. Have I experienced a major ordeal over all of this? No, but I think it has to be acknowledged.

Same goes for a host of other settings both in our home communities and traveling other places. Do we introduce each other as husband and husband, or do we let ambiguity prevent possible awkwardness? It’s not a matter of wanting to hide like a puppy that’s afraid of being hit with a newspaper. We are not living in anyone’s closet, but I think it’s human nature to think about these kinds of potential encounters.

The Bottom Line
Lest you think that all of these reflections are pure conjecture, please be aware that marriage equality has not–thus far at least–brought with it the guarantee of equality on other fronts. In a majority of the states, it is perfectly legal to discriminate against someone for being gay in such areas as employment, housing, and education. Federal law that would address these matters across the board is one of the many casualties of DC gridlock.

Even if my life seems removed from the experiences of those people who pay a huge price for being gay, I can’t sit back and pretend that discrimination is a non-issue. Even when things improve through media awareness and visibility, discrimination anywhere is intolerable. I may not always march in the parades, but I certainly remember that fact when I go to the polls and vote. And, I also make it a point not to hold my tongue when the naysayers complain about “special rights.”

When I hear certain political leaders imply that all the troubles faced by gay people will be solved by fighting ISIS, I can’t give a pass to that type of short-sighted thinking. Yes, we need to battle religious extremism at home and abroad. Yes, we also need to address guns and crime. However, the phenomenon of gay people needing a safe and supportive environment is much broader, and if someone in the public eye can’t at least acknowledge that, then my patience wears pretty thin.

We Won, and I Don’t Want to Be A Sore Winner

I have always believed, despite all of the admonitions about not being a sore loser, that being a sore winner is usually more of a threat to someone’s spiritual and emotional health. At least for me, that’s always been the case. So, in light of Friday morning’s big development from the United States Supreme Court, I wanted to confess something that I have struggled with over the weekend, even though I am still overjoyed at the outcome.

I work with marketing technology for a living. (I will get into that aspect of things a bit later.) I generally make it a point to focus on work at work and home at home, but Friday morning was an exception to that self-imposed rule. I kept waiting for the various news alert e-mails to which I subscribe for both professional and personal use. Given the outcome of the 2013 marriage case, I expected a victory. Yet, when I saw that magical headline, it still blew me away. So, I texted my dear partner with whom I have shared my life in a committed relationship for five years and wrote in all caps, “WE WON!”

I tried my best to be productive the rest of the day, but honestly it was difficult to keep from staring off into space to ponder the magnitude of the momentous development and all of its implications, both real and symbolic. As I was leaving the office, I called my significant other at home, and we agreed that I would stop and get some beer at Kroger to celebrate. I somehow managed to drive right past the supermarket and toward our condo complex parking lot. Then, I realized my oversight and made my way to the over-priced convenience store nearby to avoid taking a left to get back onto Nolensville Road in rush-hour Nashville traffic.

Like many of Americans of all political stripes, we spent more time than we should that evening looking at our Facebook feeds. I posted several news items and affirming messages in celebration of marriage equality. When the many straight allies in my circle of friends and family clicked like or posted a comment or changed their profile picture to a rainbow flag or a red equals sign, my heart warmed. However, the flip side, for which I am a bit ashamed, is that I spent a little too much time wondering about the people in my life who didn’t click, comment, post, tag, or paint their Facebook feed with rainbows. They must not really love me as much as the other folks, right?

Okay, that’s a horrible, horrible way of thinking! I countered those thoughts with logic and reason. Yet, I think part of the challenge is that, in my particular job, I focus a great deal on metrics along the lines of e-mail opens; clicks; undeliverables; unsubscribes; and SPAM complaints, Web site page views, and drip campaign conversions of prospects becoming customers. I never set out to work in the tech area, but I loved the book business, and the greatest needs my employer had of me started to involve the electronic realm, and I had grown fond of the whole shelter, food, and clothing habit the older I got. As new gadgets came along, it’s not that I was a computer nerd by any stretch of the imagination, but I became acquainted with them because that’s where things were headed.

So, by early Saturday morning, I had conditioned myself like Pavlov’s dogs that I remember first learning about in psychology 101. Those pro-gay reactions were giving me such a rush. I was very grateful to everyone, and I remain so a day later. Yet, I must confess that instead of humble gratitude, I fell into the habit of craving “more, more, more!” as Billy Idol sang about in the eighties rock anthem “Rebel Yell.” (I have to add Gen X pop culture references when I can.) When I would allow myself to peek at the Facebook timelines of friends who I knew feel differently on marriage equality, I momentarily even let myself fall into the trap of red-hot anger. And, somehow, a part of me got almost as angry at the allies who weren’t patting me on the back. They must really not be all that proud and supportive after all.

I do not like the part of myself that felt those feelings (however briefly), and I summoned up the confidence to be more balanced about the whole thing. I stepped out of myself, at my partner’s suggestion, and went to hear him perform with a group from our church at an area nursing home. (They do that once a month, and I don’t tag along as often as I should.) As I listened and watched the performance and thought more broadly about love and relationships, I realized that we were not in attendance at the Nashville Pride Festival that day. Could some of our fellow glbt community members interpret this as a slap in the face against our brothers and sisters? Maybe that could be viewed as not loving our own enough.

For several years, I attended Nashville Pride, the AIDS Walk, and similar events as part of gay religious and political groups with which I have been involved. My partner has been part of a wonderful glbt and allies musical group in the past, but he had to take a break because of his schedule. We attend some glbt events and activities and are even meeting a dear friend of ours at one of the gay bars tonight. There is some wonderful work going on in the gay community of Nashville, and there are so many kind and decent people. (There are also a few shallow and superficial ones that we have grown better at ignoring; that’s true with any setting though.) Yet, when we became a couple, we agreed that we had more to offer and would be happier in the broader “middle” where we could build bridges by being ourselves and forming connections with people. We are okay with those many situations when we are the only (openly at least) gay couple in the room, though it’s also great to check in with our tribe from time to time.

So, like Sheriff Andy Taylor in one of the black and white “Andy Griffith Show” episodes, I admitted to myself that I deserved to dine on crow while the rest of friends and family were eating something more appetizing. Upon helpful reflection, I realize that we are all just trying to make our way on the journey as best we can. Not all straight people or gay people can relate to where I find myself. I am one of those hopeless moderates, which can have the effect of simultaneously pissing off both sides at times. I don’t have all the answers and need to remind myself of that. I am not always the most touchy-feely kind of guy as far as hugs and such, but ultimately, it should be about love and respect for others. So, maybe I can just relax and breathe deeply when I find myself looking for a validation electronically.

Well, thanks to you for reading this confessional. I am grateful when folks support me, but it’s important to not make that pat on the back into an addictive drug. And, as far as others, I need to do my best to refrain from judging. Granted, I may not be there yet when it comes to Mike Huckabee and Ted Cruz. Yet, I can try at least. Love Wins!

(This little housekeeping matter: Those of you who leave comments may have issues. I am going to get this checked out when I have a chance. In the meantime, visit the Contact Me page if you need to reach me. )

Thinking About the 48% of Tennesseans Who Don’t Want Any Legal Recognition for My Partner and Me

This is not a “gay blog” per se. My sexuality represents just one part of who I am. Yet, I don’t mind bringing that information to the table when it’s relevant to issues at hand. I struggled through my youth and young adulthood to come to terms with my identity and finally got things sorted out nicely around the age of 30. Now that I have reached my late 40’s, there’s no looking back. I value honesty, both to myself and to the world at large.

My partner and I, who have been together for five years, make our home in a blue dot (Nashville) of increasingly red Tennessee. I am grateful for our supportive families and friends and for my employer who believes providing employees in committed same-sex relationships with access to family benefits is smart business. We go to church, own a pretty generic condo in a suburbanish neighborhood, and do the normal things like going out for Starbucks coffee and Sweet CeCe’s frozen yogurt. A wild night for us would be to drink two beers each at Pie in the Sky Pizza, our favorite neighborhood eatery.

I think we have a pretty good life, and we are blessed in so many ways. This is not a “being gay is so hard” guilt trip piece. Yes, coming of age in the Bible Belt during the 1980’s presented its share of challenges, but we both managed to arrive at a healthy place. Yet, as we anticipate (hopefully) the United States Supreme Court settling things on a national level, it seems that the Volunteer State shows signs of a renewed backlash against the value of our relationship.

According to a recent poll from our Music City’s esteemed Vanderbilt University, aka the “Harvard of the South,” support for gay marriage among Tennessee residents has actually dropped a few points over the past year. Granted, compared with the more distant past, things have improved, but the recent developments in most of the rest of the country may have hit a bit too close to home for some Tennesseans. I will let the armchair politicos among you dissect the results for yourself, but the one figure that sticks with me is that 48% of the states residents believe that same-sex relationships do not deserve any legal recognition at all, whether it be full-fledged marriage or alternatives such as civil unions.

So, almost half of the citizens of our lovely state basically feel that my significant other and myself don’t count legally as a couple. I realize that this doesn’t mean that they hate us. Maybe it’s fear of that “slippery slope” of folks wanting to marry animals or siblings. My response is that this kind of scenario is an irrelevant distraction. As our medical, psychological, and sociological understanding of sexual identity has evolved over the past several decades, the solid consensus of mainstream scientific authorities declares being gay as a normal variation of human sexuality and efforts to change this orientation as ineffective and potentially counter-productive.

The physical aspects of homosexuality represent just one part of what it means to be gay. Those of us who are attracted to the same gender generally hold a wide range of psychological, emotional, and romantic attachments as a part of the mix. It’s not a matter akin to switching from real to decaffeinated coffee or going from driving an automatic to a stick-shift car. It’s not a switch that gets flipped on and off but rather an identity that we do our best to try to incorporate into the many other areas of our lives.

No one has to remind my partner and me that the South is a more religiously conservative part of the country and that fundamentalist and evangelical branches of Christianity hold more sway here than in the Northeast and on the West Coast. Both of us, in our own ways, have had to reconcile our faith traditions with our sexuality. This is not an easy process, and I am not saying that I possess all the answers regarding the “God and gays” question.

In this day and age, most of the public objections to homosexuality do center on religion, and in this part of the world Christianity in particular. When folks want to engage me along the lines of an “it’s a sin because the Bible says so” line of discussion, my first inclination is to try to advocate for a more broad perspective of Christian theology and Biblical interpretation. I would love to “convert” more people to my side of that fence, and I have even put together a few links that explore the gay Christian point-of-view in case that information might be helpful for some of you. I could also get into a long discussion of how “Biblical” marriage evolved over the centuries through shifting cultural and family norms.

However, the risk I run in these exchanges is that I can sometimes fall into the trap of asking for someone’s approval in order for them to grant me my basic dignity as an individual and afford to my other half and me the right to be treated as a couple. Someone will look at my talking points and then say, “Sorry, but no. Your view of the Bible doesn’t match with mine, so I can’t affirm gay rights in any way. No protections for you.”

Sometimes, those accommodations are termed “special rights for homosexuals,” which leaves me scratching my head. What is so “special” about my wanting to work at the job of my choosing without fear of discrimination for being gay? What is so special about me wanting to hold hands with the person I love at the movies? (Public displays of affection ought to operate under the same common-sense rules for everyone in my mind, so I am not talking about anything lewd.) What is so special about expecting the right to make health care decisions involving my partner if–God forbid–something happens where I would need to fill such a role?

As mentioned earlier, our families are wonderful toward us, so they aren’t going to do something that would undermine our relationship in any kind of spiteful way, but this sort of thing happens in cases where gay men and women aren’t blessed with affirming relatives and end up being cut out of the lives of their partners as if they didn’t exist at all. Yes, there are various legal documents that folks have undertaken in the past to deal with these gaps, but they aren’t as comprehensive as what heterosexual married couples have always for granted. It ends up being a patchwork that is better than nothing but a “workaround” nonetheless.

So, I don’t think our treatment should be a matter of appealing to someone’s particular brand of faith. Yes, America was founded on broad principles steeped in the Western Judeo-Christian tradition, and I appreciate those. However, we were also founded on principles of democracy and the rights of the individual tied to the civic values of the ancient Greeks and Romans and the Age of Enlightenment. America is not a Christian theocracy anyway, but even if we pretended for a moment that it were, whose brand of the Christian faith would call the shots? Would it be Catholics, Pentecostals, Seventh Day Adventists, Quakers, middle of the road Methodists like yours truly, or any number of organizations who identify with the teachings of Jesus Christ? Ultimately, a government with no religious litmus tests for its citizens helps protect the rights of people from all faith traditions (or even no religion at all) in our increasingly diverse society.

And just how would legal recognition of gay nuptials destroy the sanctity of anyone’s traditional heterosexual marriage? There is–and definitely should be–a huge distinction between government granting marriage licenses and recognizing the rights of couples and how religious bodies may–or may not–choose to bless matrimony. There are entire faiths and denominations that refuse to perform ceremonies between their members and those outside the flock. There are also religious groups that refuse to sanction marriages where one of the parties has previously been divorced. And, moving away from the heavy-duty stuff a bit, there are individual congregations and pastors who require that couples attend pre-marital counseling or perhaps write a check to the church for a cleaning deposit before tying the knot.

Guess what? None of those practices relate to whether the court-house grants licenses to couples. It’s two entirely different questions. As it stands now, our particular denomination forbids its clergy from performing same-sex ceremonies or its church facilities from hosting these nuptials. There are voices inside working diligently to change this, and some pastors risk losing their ordination by violating this policy in the name of equality. We would love to see the rules change, but that’s a separate issue from being able to enter into marriage through a civil ceremony.

So, my partner and I don’t have a secret agenda to drape Tennessee in the rainbow flag. We just grow tired of feeling as if we have to make everyone love us, though of course we do think we are pretty lovable. We are claiming our right to live our hopes and dreams with each other, even in a state that happens to be turning as red as Elizabeth Arden’s door. In the ground-breaking 1996 film To Wong Foo Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar, drag queen Vida Boheme–played by the late Patrick Swayze–sums it up pretty nicely with the memorable quote, “Your approval is neither desired nor required, but I will take your acceptance.”

Vida Boheme

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