This month marked the half-century milestone for me. I am not one of those folks who complain about aging itself. As a practical point, I always liked that old adage about birthdays being better than the alternative. Yet, when contemplating aging, I can’t help but find myself asking those bigger questions about life.
A couple of weeks or so after the birthday passage, my other half and I spent a too-warm-for-September afternoon at a matinée of Brad’s Status, a new comedy/drama written and directed by the highly creative Mike White and starring Ben Stiller. I have always held a soft spot for Ben Stiller. He’s around my age, and across his wide body of film work–ranging from gross-out cheap laughs to cutting-edge artistic breakthroughs–he has always projected an approachable vulnerability that I appreciate.
This post does not serve as a review per se. I will attest that Brad’s Status turned out to be a highly engaging experience for me at every level. The plot surrounds a middle-age, middle class guy named Brad Sloan who takes his high-school senior son on a cross-country trip to visit potential college selections, most notably the ivy-covered Harvard campus. The quirky kind of biting humor is right up my alley, but more importantly, the movie made me think about nagging questions that I’m not afraid to confess run through my head at varying intervals.
This seems kind of mundane. “Is that all there is?”
The divine Miss Peggy Lee sang the familiar refrain in her hit 1969 song. I think it’s human nature to wonder why the day-to-day stuff of life isn’t quite as spectacular as we dreamed it would be. Sometimes the passion and excitement just aren’t there, and there is a sense of being on auto-pilot.
Why don’t I seem to be one of the cool people? Is there something wrong with me?
Sometimes the commodity that seems to be the hottest is youth, which makes reaching midlife a bit touchy on some fronts. At other times, it’s about perceived social graces or networking potential. As Brad experiences, these matters can be as minuscule as getting a better seat at a restaurant or as consequential as gaining the attention of those who can possibly determine our future well-being or that of those we love.
Why does “so and so” in my life seem to have it made in the shade when I don’t?
The comparison game can be deadly to one’s mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being. In my younger years, the struggle was more in-your-face in those settings related to school and the various rites of passage in childhood and young adulthood. So, on the most obvious levels, the challenge gets easier with time. Yet, those old nagging doubts can resurface with the right trigger, and sometimes seeing the lives of others played out on the social media landscape makes that problem worse. Of course, envy is not a new phenomenon at all though.
So, what is the answer?
I wish I had words of wisdom to magically wash away all of these kinds of doubts for myself and everyone. Sometimes folks double down on the “think about others who have it worse” mantra. Not to give away too many plot details, but there is a memorable cross-generational conversation along these lines in Brad’s Status.
I certainly appreciate the kernels of truth with those statements. I do believe that just about all of us could use a more ample supply of empathy and decency. I also think that sometimes a hard-hitting reality check gives us just the right dose of perspective when we need it the most.
Also, as played out in the film’s story line, quite often our understanding of what others might be experiencing themselves or thinking about us–or more accurately not thinking about us–turns out to be based on misinformation or limited knowledge of the broader picture. You just never know what’s happening on the other side of the divide.
Yes, gratitude is indeed at the center of it all. Yet, for me, it doesn’t seem sustainable fueled only by “it could be worse,” or “other people aren’t as great as they seem,” as those can become new variations of the same old comparison game. Rather, it’s about finding meaning from the journey. We learn and grow from experience, and hopefully we can find joy along the way and leave the world a bit better place in the end.
As I see it, gratitude in its most lasting form requires a couple of other things to take root. One is a sense of purpose, and the other is the capacity to live in the moment. As we taste the slights and disappointments big and small, it helps to know that we are part of a bigger story than the one that other people may be writing for us. Also, the seemingly little moments of happiness–as Brad learns in traveling with his son–are often what’s really priceless, and it’s so frighteningly easy to miss them because of our fears, worries, and preoccupations.
I don’t claim to have it all figured out by any means. I have good days and bad. I realize that I haven’t been everyone’s cup of tea, and Lord knows, I have my quirks and imperfections. Yet, I know that it’s been a pretty good ride so far, and I am thankful to have loved and been loved and have had a little fun so far. That’s a pretty good status.
Coloring Outside the Lines 