Sometimes developments just seem too overwhelming for me to process all at once. Today marks the first anniversary of the momentous Supreme Court decision granting marriage equality to same-sex couples. And, in a related development, July 5th will mark my own first wedding anniversary. President Obama also recently announced that New York’s Stonewall Inn will be designated as a historic monument for its role in the struggle for gay rights. Yet, just two weeks ago, a terrorist–perhaps motivated by both a militant strand of Islam AND internalized self-loathing homophobia– murdered 49 people in a Orlando gay nightclub.
As I have acknowledged in previous posts related to gay issues, I am open about who I am in all facets of my life. I am not necessarily a parade marcher per se, though I understand the value of parades and have logged my time working at Pride booths in the past. For my spouse and me, it just seems that we can accomplish more in the wider middle with supportive friends and family than inside the GLBT community specifically.
I understand the role that gay bars have played in the history of the community and still play for many today. My spouse and I average about two or three visits to a gay club each year, generally to meet friends for a particular activity or function. It’s not that we don’t have fun; it’s just not our daily element. Yet, I know that part of why I can have that choice as a gay man living mostly in a mostly straight scene is that so many brave folks have paved the way through the years.
I truly believe that it takes all of us to make the world go around. In some of my past political involvement a decade or so ago, I got to know a very brave and savvy Democratic Party operative in Nashville who during the 1990’s had worked in the federal government dealing with HIV/AIDS issues. He told me that, during that time, groups such as ACT UP and Queer Nation performed an invaluable service in that they created the public stir in the streets that pushed the more centrist elements inside the Clinton White House to take action.
So, how do I unpack all of this? I am a gay man who lives a pretty fulfilling out life, has a wonderful marriage with a terrific husband, goes to work at a decent job in a supportive workplace, owns a happy little condo in a pretty generic white picket fence neighborhood, goes to a church that is welcoming without necessarily flying the rainbow flag every Sunday, and has terrific friends and family. All good, right?
Well, it’s not that simple. First, let me state for the record that I am incredibly blessed. I am so grateful for the litany that I just recited. I know that there are so many GLBT individuals of all ages who face hostile circumstances in all facets of their lives. And, if you feel burdened to try to help these folks, I suggest you find a worthy charity like Trevor Project for instance. When well-wishers gave us money to celebrate our wedding, we made a contribution to Trevor and felt rather blessed by doing so.
However, I must confess that, even when things look idyllic on the outside, there can be an ongoing internal monologue still happening. In my case, OCD symptoms can make it even worse, but that’s another possible blog topic. I am not saying that it rises to the level of me personally needing anyone’s sympathy or concern. Yet, after Orlando, I just figure that it needs to be a part of the discussion. Otherwise, I fear that the issues will get side-tracked or become co-opted by some voices out there that really don’t know what they’re talking about.
PDA’s–Okay or Not Okay?
When my spouse and I are at the movies, there’s always the question of whether one of us gently but confidently reaching out to hold the other’s hand or putting an arm around the other’s shoulder might possibly cause a scene. In what part of town are we? What kind of movie are we watching? Does this look like the kind of audience where it’s okay to take that risk?
What about restaurants, hotel lobbies, cruise ships, or airplanes? It’s the same deal; we spend a fair amount of time trying to second-guess our surroundings. It’s not that we want to be in-your-face about anything, and we are not trying to prove anything to anyone. Rather, it is healthy and fulfilling to feel comfortable in one’s own skin. I do think that it’s getting much better than it used to be, but the fact that I feel so compelled to share my feelings about all of this means that there are still issues.
When to Reveal What?
Marriage equality has given us something tangible that has been worthy of celebrating. Yet, there can still be those little momentary mild anxiety-provoking moments. When we are filling out paperwork in various settings like the doctor’s office and such and have to clarify that “spouse” actually means husband rather than wife. Have I experienced a major ordeal over all of this? No, but I think it has to be acknowledged.
Same goes for a host of other settings both in our home communities and traveling other places. Do we introduce each other as husband and husband, or do we let ambiguity prevent possible awkwardness? It’s not a matter of wanting to hide like a puppy that’s afraid of being hit with a newspaper. We are not living in anyone’s closet, but I think it’s human nature to think about these kinds of potential encounters.
The Bottom Line
Lest you think that all of these reflections are pure conjecture, please be aware that marriage equality has not–thus far at least–brought with it the guarantee of equality on other fronts. In a majority of the states, it is perfectly legal to discriminate against someone for being gay in such areas as employment, housing, and education. Federal law that would address these matters across the board is one of the many casualties of DC gridlock.
Even if my life seems removed from the experiences of those people who pay a huge price for being gay, I can’t sit back and pretend that discrimination is a non-issue. Even when things improve through media awareness and visibility, discrimination anywhere is intolerable. I may not always march in the parades, but I certainly remember that fact when I go to the polls and vote. And, I also make it a point not to hold my tongue when the naysayers complain about “special rights.”
When I hear certain political leaders imply that all the troubles faced by gay people will be solved by fighting ISIS, I can’t give a pass to that type of short-sighted thinking. Yes, we need to battle religious extremism at home and abroad. Yes, we also need to address guns and crime. However, the phenomenon of gay people needing a safe and supportive environment is much broader, and if someone in the public eye can’t at least acknowledge that, then my patience wears pretty thin.
Coloring Outside the Lines 